Consequences of Cross-Aisle Comity

Coalition between formerly rabid enemies worries administration —

The recent surprising partnership of Republicans and Democrats in Congress succeeded in keeping the country running. It also seems to have alarmed President-for-now Trump as he sees his friends and enemies joining forces against him.

Disgruntled White House staffers leaked the information that the administration is sending feelers to assess the loyalty of various police organizations.

Alternative Lies therefore commissioned its own research and found the following:

  • The Capitol Police are completely loyal to Congress.
  • The White House Police — technically the Uniformed Division of the Secret Service — are loyal to the White House, for now.
  • The units of the Secret Service assigned to guard individual personnel are loyal to their protectees (though some in the Trump detail waffled when pressed about their willingness to take a bullet for The Donald.)
  • The rest of the Secret Service, tasked with policing counterfeit currency, declares itself neutral.
  • The Pentagon remains true to its longstanding tradition of not overthrowing presidents, but has not indicated much willingness to step in against any action by Congress.
  • The FBI was not available for comment.
  • The Washington D.C. Police are formulating plans to withdraw to the suburbs.
  • The Marshals Service pushed its Stetson back on its head, spat into a convenient bucket, and said, “We ain’t got no dog in this fight far as we can tell.”

Trump staffers are said to be stationed at strategic DC intersections to detect any unusual movement by Capitol Police and their allies.

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