Opening the Borders

Golden couple discusses “golden visa” —

Here at Alternative Lies our interest was piqued by the Kushner family’s flogging of EB-5 Visas to encourage Chinese investment in their  Jersey City Journal Square project. (EB-5s are US visas available to those who invest at least half a million bucks in an American project.)

We queried our growing corps of ever-more-disgruntled White House staffers and one, our new favorite, came up with this transcript of a conversation between Faux Feminist First Daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared “do everything in sight” Kushner.

Ivanka Trump: Pumpkin, don’t you think your sister is going too far with the EB-5s? I heard she’d gone over the Chinese border to Pyongyang and was selling them there from the back of a pickup truck.

Jared Kushner: Honey Bunny! You think North Koreans have that kind of dough?

IT: Yes. The generals own everything and have nothing to spend it on. Plus they’re all dying to come here.

JK: Hmmm, you’re right. Do they vet EB-5s?

IT: You’re kidding. Good thing Muslim terrorists can’t afford them.

JK: Wasn’t Bin Laden a rich kid? Oh, by the way, my sister wants me to leak a rumor that your old man is thinking about cutting off the EB-5s. Put the pressure on. You think he’d mind?

IT: We should probably ask him. Bannon-the-loose-cannon — may he rot in hell — suggested we privatize the wall and use EB-5s to generate investment in it. A surprisingly good idea.

JK: I don’t see a housing development as a border fence, Honey Bunny.

IT: Pumpkin! There are other kinds of projects.

JK: But how do you monetize a wall? Oh! OH!

IT: Right. No vetting, so imagine the drug lords lining up to build it. Or a coalition of coyotes. The drugs and wetbacks are going to get through anyway. Why not save taxpayer money?

JK: Your old man did promise that the Mexicans would pay for it. (Giggles)

IT: (Laughing out loud). Yes! Too perfect. Long live capitalism!

JK: Long live THIS capitalism Honey Bunny. (Smooching noises.)

IT: Oh Pumpkin! Oh yes Free my markets! (Moans).

JK: (Panting) Location Location Location.

IT: Mmmm. Right there!



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